I Am Not a Marriage Counselor, But.....

No, I am not a marriage counselor.  It has never been a area that I have found myself drawn to. However, therapy for most people focuses on relationships of some kind. Whether it is family or friends or coworkers, counseling often focuses on how we interact with others. So although I do not generally see couples for therapy, I do have some thoughts on relationships. It being Valentine's Day, I thought maybe I would share those thoughts.

My experience of relationships and marriage are both by proxy and first hand. My parents are first and foremost the leading example of long term commitment and love that I have in my life. They got married at the mature age of 18. At the time of my mother's death this past October, they were just shy of their 41st wedding anniversary. In the eulogy I wrote for my mom's funeral I mentioned that she never said negative things about my dad.  That might be one of the most enduring lessons that my mom left to me. It is simply bad form to speak badly of your significant other, she would say.  I have thought about this piece of advice frequently. It does not mean that you avoid criticism or that you not mention to others those funny idiosyncrasies that your partner has.  It simply means that the tone of your comments should not be mean.  No one wants to hear you berate the person that you have chosen to spend your life with!

Another lesson that my parents always taught was that the foundation of a relationship is selflessness. My dad would tell the story of going to the courthouse to get married. The one part of the story that he always mentioned was the piece of advice that the judge gave them- never be selfish.  The judge told them that selfishness was the reason most marriages ended. That too is something that I try to keep in my mind with regard to relationships.

Finally in my own life partnership, I have found that having adventures in a relationship is an absolute necessity! Without adventure we get stuck in the muck and mire of our day to day lives.  Life is not about muck and mire. It is about living fully. While adventures may change as our life changes, keeping that desire to do new things and go to new places keeps a relationship fresh and fun.

 So my thoughts today as we celebrate love and hearts and cupid are on what it takes to keep relationships healthy. This is true for lifelong partners, first dates, friends and family members!

• Never say bad things about the other person.
• Be selfless.
• Have adventures.

Happy Valentine's Day!