That Toilet Sure Was Working Well Today!

One of the most common suggestions that I give parents who are struggling with their          child(ren)'s behavior is to try to notice and praise the good things that they do. It is much more common for us to focus on what is not working or what someone else has done wrong rather than on what they are doing well. Parents will sometimes counter my suggestion with comments like "well they are supposed to do that anyway" or "do I have to praise them for brushing their teeth now too?" My response is "yes, if that helps, then yes."

Noticing the positive things in our lives can be challenging. Is that because we are  negative by nature?  I don't think so. Often the negative things require our attention. If something bad happens, usually we have to address it. If the toilet is backed up, we have to plunge it and we complain about it.  When the toilet is working well, we usually ignore it. It is very rare that someone might comment "That toilet sure was working well today.  Thank goodness for indoor plumbing." It is the same with kids' behavior. When they are doing their homework or cleaning their room, parents tend to just go on about their business. They may say "Thanks for cleaning your room." More often than not, however, parents just expect those things from their kids.

Noticing the positive things around us can change not only our attitude but also the attitudes of others. Think about those people in your life who are by nature positive and upbeat. They tend to lift the spirits of those around them. That is often due to their ability to make us feel good about ourselves and the world around us.  In graduate school, I had a professor who would start every class asking each person to report on something that they had to celebrate.  Inevitably at the end of the exercise most people were smiling. We all have celebrations each and every day. They may not feel special.  It may something as simple as a great cup of coffee in the morning or a good nights sleep.  Perhaps your electric bill was especially low last month or you got a few hours to read a good book. Focusing on our celebrations can lift our spirits. Recognizing the positives in others, especially our children, can lift theirs too.

So be mindful this week of those things that we so often take for granted. Be actively thankful and recognize the positive. Tell you children that they did a good job even if was just putting away their toys or listening to you when you asked them to do something. There is a lot of negative stuff in the world that does require our attention. But there is so much more goodness that we could really stand to spend some more time noticing. "That toilet sure was working well today!"

Is stress always bad?

Stress is generally one of those feelings that we tend to try to avoid. Many of the clients that I see are trying to reduce their stress or deal with it in a better way.  At the end of the day we often say "ugh what a stressful day". But is stress always bad? Think about the night before a test or a big presentation. You might feel frazzled and rushed to get every detail finished.  You might be hunkered down going over that last formula to make sure your understand it.  The day before leaving on a big trip, you are washing clothes like a maniac and making list upon list to get everything together. While stress is not a comfortable feeling, it can help us get things done.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help  tell the difference between good stress and bad stress.

"Is this feeling helpful?" Is this heightened sense of urgency helping me to get something done or meet a deadline?  If we are able to utilize this feeling of stress to encourage our self to finish or complete a task then maybe it is really helping us.  Sometimes stress pushes us to perform. It can encourage us to finish our work or complete an assignment on time. Recognizing whether we are actually doing better because of the stress is important. If it seems to be limiting our abilities or holding us back then maybe it is not working in our favor.

"Should I be in a state of stress over this situation?"  If you notice that your stress levels are rising as a result of situations that are minor or silly then maybe it is an overreaction. It is important to be able to differentiate when stress makes sense. Getting stressed because the Thanksgiving turkey just exploded in the oven 30 minutes before 20 people are scheduled to arrive at your house makes sense. Getting stressed because the vending machine ran out of your favorite potato chips might not make sense.

"Does my stress have a beginning and an end or am I always stressed?"   Stress is most helpful when it encourages one to reach a deadline of some sort. So if you noticing that you are constantly in a state of stress then maybe it is not the beneficial kind. Feeling stressed at work all of the time is probably a sign of the "bad" kind of stress. Our bodies do not generally operate well when it is under constant pressure. Having a beginning and an end to the stress encourages us to meet our obligations because we understand that there is a conclusion to the stress.

Most of the time we know when our stress levels have reached a tipping point. Stress becomes a negative thing when it interferes with our ability to function well. Stress can cause us to struggle with things like sleeping well or with our appetite. It can cause us to have difficulty getting things done. This is ironic as we have just discussed how stress can help us get things done. But if we are overloaded and in a constant state of stress then it reaches a point where it is no longer a help but a hindrance.

So keeping our stress at a helpful level can potentially improve our functioning. Just watch out that it does not start creeping into every detail of home and work. Recognizing when it is time to take a breather or work on some relaxation skills is important.

"Are you mad at me?"

Communicating is one of the most important things that we do on a daily basis. We are constantly conveying messages to others. Through speech, behavior, body language, tone of voice and inflection, we relay information. We interpret communication in different ways also. Often we infer meaning not only through words but actions, looks, our own awareness of the other person's history or intent, what we want them to say or what we think they are trying to say.

Most of the time we are able to convey our meaning to others effectively: Saying "I would like a  #1 combo with fries,"  generally will result in receiving a #1 combo with fries.  It would be unlikely for the cashier at the restaurant to interpret our statement as: "I would like a salad with fat free dressing and no cheese". At home, however, it may be more likely for that to  happen. Although I may say that I would like burgers and fries for dinner, my spouse could perhaps understand that to be a suggestion. As a result. he makes potato soup and a salad.  That would be a breakdown in communication. In some households, that could cause all kinds of stress and conflict. Depending on the day it might be funny or you just may be grateful that someone other than yourself actually started dinner.

Communicating is a tough business. In my practice I am often trying to help clients identify ways to communicate to others so that they are heard and that they are able to get their meaning across. We work on ways to avoid sounding rude or mean so that people will actually engage with us or do what we would like for them to do. It boils down to making sure that people understand what you are trying to communicate. What I have noticed is that the questions you ask other people about what you are trying to convey matter a great deal.

"What did you hear me say?" is a great way to verify what the other person understood you to mean. Asking the other person a second time to repeat what they said can help us to clarify meaning. Hearing something a second time can give us a an opportunity to more fully process the information. What I may say and what someone else hears are often times VERY different things. Especially in families, we need to be aware of this.  Instead of immediately getting upset over something, it can be a good practice to check and see if what you were trying to say was actually communicated the way that you wanted it to be. By asking questions and continuing to engage with the person after we have communicated our thought, we may be able to avoid that pitfall of miscommunication. It will allow for conversation to continue regarding what was said and how you meant it as well as how the other person understood it.

Communicating by phone, text, email, and social media sites like Facebook or Twitter can cause even more roadblocks to communication. These forms of interaction throw all kinds of new issues into our already murky communication system. We may send or receive emails or texts where we or the other person is terse or short in their response. This can sometimes lead to people reading more into the text than is actually meant by the sender. If you send a text and the person does not immediately reply, they must not care. If someone posts something on Facebook and they don't tag us even though we were clearly at the party with everyone else, then they must be upset with us.  We have to be careful about how we understand another's meaning using these indirect forms of communication. If someone sends a text or an email,  the tone of voice, inflection and body language are absent. That is almost like inviting someone to the party but forgetting to tell them where it is and when.  Technology can save us a great deal of time and help us communicate. However, that communication can get complicated. If you have a question about another person's meaning asking can be the most effective way to clear any doubt. "Your email sounded a little short earlier today. Were you in a hurry or was there something that upset you." If you feel that someone misunderstood your meaning you should also ask. "Did that that text answer your questions? I was in a hurry so it was short."

One of our biggest downfalls in any type of communication is jumping too quickly to conclusions. Simply taking a moment to ask the other person's meaning in any situation is a quick and simple solution to avoiding this.  Also, reviewing our own conversations, emails or texts can help us understand how others are receiving our communication. We should avoid the question "Are you mad at me?" when unsure of how someone feels in a situation. Using a more diplomatic approach such as "When you said......what was it that you meant?" If someone asks if you are mad at them our usual response is "no" but that might not tell the whole story.  Maybe they are frustrated or disappointed or upset about something completely apart from you. However you will not know unless you ask the right question and keep the lines of communication open.

In all of our communication, one thing we have to avoid is assuming or inferring what others mean.  One way to avoid this is by asking the other person's meaning and by making sure that the other person understands what we are trying to say. It is important that we strive to be aware of how other's understand us. Communication is a tough business. With a little extra care we can work on making just a bit easier.

Take a Deep Breath and Fix It

In the counseling office we use the term coping skills frequently.  We discuss with our clients and their families in great detail the use of coping skills. We teach folks many different types of coping skills.  We find apps and games and books on coping skills. It is endless, the different ways that we attempt to instill in clients the skills needed to deal with stress and worry and depression and anger and grief.  I find that outside of the counseling office we may not use the phrase coping skills but we are still doing the same thing.

We are constantly trying to identify ways to handle situations better. Magazines are full of ideas on how to deal with frustration and anxiety in more effective ways.  We are in a constant state of trying to find ways to deal with new and challenging issues. Much of what we do good or bad is simply a way to cope with what is happening in our life.  Thinking about it in this way had made me consider the idea of coping skills in a different light. Maybe we need to think more about what it is we are attempting to cope with rather than how to cope. A stressful day at the office leads to the question such as: Should I have a cocktail? Go for a walk? Head to the gym? Sit on the couch with some popcorn and a good movie? Clean the house? Fuss at my partner? Complain to someone?

Or do I consider what it was that made my day stressful? If we think about things differently, maybe we can find a solution to make tomorrow less stressful? Maybe the day started off difficult because we woke up late and therefore felt like we had to run from one meeting to another making everything stressful. So tomorrow we set the alarm 30  minutes early to make sure we are on time and prepared. Was the day stressful due to a difficult interaction with a coworker? Is there a way that we could mend that interaction or avoid that particular person. There are not always solutions to stressful situations. Sometimes we just have a bad day.  There are times, though, when there are solutions.  If a child comes home from a hard day and we find out that it is because she forgot to do her homework the night before, that is a situation with a solution. We make sure to get all of the homework done tonight and maybe get ahead on some studying for the week or start on a project that is not due for a while.  If I am angry about something that is going on in my life, maybe I can sit down and consider what I could do about the situation to change it so that it does not effect me in the same way.

Of course there are always going to be times when we do not have power to change a circumstance.  That is when we need our coping skills. Sometimes however we do not even realize that we could potentially change it. So instead of immediately thinking of ways to deal with our feelings, let's consider whether we could actually make the situation different so that we do not feel negatively about it. Coping skills are important. We need to know how to manage feelings like anger, stress, frustration, anxiety and grief in positive and effective ways. But we also need to know when finding a solution to the situation IS the way to deal with it.

Understanding Our Children a Little Better

One of the areas of focus in my practice is parenting and family systems. I am always trying to think of new ways to help parents work with their children effectively. Complaints that I often hear from parents and caregivers focus on the idea that their children are not respectful or responsible in the way that they, the parent, were when they were growing up.  Parents voice frustration that their children are not held to the same standards that they were as children and are not disciplined as harshly.  I have two distinct thoughts about this complaint.  One is that children are not responsible for the parenting thus parents must hold themselves responsible when they feel that their child needs to be disciplined better. Second we must understand that the world we are living in today is much different than the world was 50 years ago. You can still discipline effectively without disciplining the same way that your great grandfather did.

I don't believe that many people, clinicians included, have thought seriously about how our culture effects child rearing.  To me it explains much about the behaviors and attitudes that kids possess in our present experience.  Our children are being raised in a culture of equality.  The women's rights movement, civil rights movement, the Americans with Disabilities Act and LGBT rights movement have flooded our consciousness in the last 50 years. We do no live in a world where people are told "their place" and expected to stay there. There is no caste system. We value freedom. The language of liberty and equality is swirling and whirling around us daily.  We jump up in excitement when a regime is tumbled by the people. This is what our children are hearing and being conditioned to accept and appreciate. As a result of this, children have different expectations, awareness of their world and their place in it than they did in previous generations.  It is this culture that makes it difficult for children to accept long held parenting ideas that promote handing down harsh punishments without explanation or communication on the subject. When children feel their rights on being infringed upon, we see them rebel as we have taught them is appropriate when unfair laws are inflicted on the masses. However to many this is an example of how "kids these days have no respect for authority." .

I think the issue is that kids actually do understand respect more than we know. I have noticed this quote popping up on Facebook lately: "My parents spanked me as a child. I now suffer from a psychological condition known as 'Respect for Others.'"  It seems as though what people misunderstand for lack of respect is simply a desire by children to be respected. It is hard to teach a version of respect to a child that involves only spanking, not questioning authority and accepting consequences with no discussion when they do not see this model anywhere else in their world.  Often we are failing to recognize that we do not live in a hierarchical society. We do not stand for inequality or disrespect. Our children learn how to behave and interact in society by what they see and hear. Can we expect our children not to question others when we are constantly questioning? Can we expect our children to stand by and allow someone, adult or not, to talk down to them or to disrespect them when we would not stand for that ourselves?

Children need discipline and boundaries more than anything except unconditional love. It is a parent's job to teach that. However, we must understand that we are not raising our kids in a simple world. We have to teach our children not only how to follow rules and obey boundaries but to be respectful and polite people as well as when it is appropriate to stand up for oneself and others. We must respect our children enough to understand that they are going to question us. There are no hard and fast answers to the difficult questions of parenting. No one "parenting style"  fits all of the complex problems that parents and kids are faced with. What is clear to me though is that our parenting must change with the times.  We have to adapt for the sake of rearing respectful, responsible and caring children.

Is it truly the "Kids Revolution" as some have proposed? I don't know.  What I do know is that we cannot delude ourselves into thinking that what worked in childrearing 50 years ago is going to work today.  We do not live in that same world. Thank goodness! We live in a world where we want people to succeed. We live in a world where freedom for everyone is valued.  Showing respect to our children does not mean that we avoid discipline, it means we recognize that discipline may be different today than it used to be. Maybe we take more time to explain things to our kids. Maybe we give them an opportunity to explain themselves more often. There is rarely one right way to discipline your child. I am encouraging a recognition of how the world we live in and the values that we uphold effect the way that children understand their role in society. If a 10 year old understands that she is an individual with intrinsic civil rights, then we have the job of not only respecting those rights but also helping her understand her intrinsic responsibilities.  Changing the way we parent does not mean that we are less strict or that we let our children get away with things.  It means that we understand that our child is not less of person than we are. It means that we find ways to teach and discipline while showing respect.

Let's give up worry for Lent

Ironically I wrote this blog post yesterday. I had decided that it was time to write about worry. As I was sifting through my thoughts on worry, why we worry and how do we decrease worry, it came to me.... Let's try to give up worry for Lent. So I finished what I thought was a great blog post. It was brief and thoughtful and inspiring...I thought.  Then I posted it. As I was reading through it, I realized there was a typo. In my attempt to correct said typo, I erased forever the great blog post.

AHHH panic! I had just spent an hour or two creating this thoughtful and inspiring bit of written word and then poof gone. Then worry and anxiety.  Then irony.... I was worrying about my thoughts on not worrying. So I did what I always do when I can't think about something any longer. I walked away from it. "Tomorrow" I decided " I will come back to it tomorrow."

So today is tomorrow and here I am. Worry permeates our world. We are beset on all sides of life with worry and anxiety.  We are encouraged to be everything to everyone. Success in our careers pushes us to work harder and put in longer hours. Being the best parent propels us to make the best meals for children, sign them up for all extra curricular activities possible and engage them in every way to ensure that they are learning and achieving at the highest level. As a homeowner we find ourselves focused on decorating, yard work and not only having a garden but the best organic garden on the block. We find ourselves pulled in a thousand directions.  We are involved in too much and committing ourselves to more because we feel that we should. Striving to be the best often results in not being enough. We are taught that not only can we do it all but we should do it all.  Usually that pace leads to worry and anxiety.

Even in our anxiety and worry there are things that the world tells us to do. Go to Yoga, exercise, drink more water, eat well, go to be earlier, read that new book. We are again bombarded with to dos. Often we feel like we should be doing those things also.  So then we find ourselves working full time, being a parent, being a spouse, keeping the house clean, cooking a great supper, going to PTO meetings, meeting our bible study, going to yoga, running at the gym and trying to read that latest greatest new book about how to do it all.  What happens then.... WORRY!

So I challenge myself and you. Let's give up worry for Lent. Lent is that Christian season of self denial and sacrifice. It is the time when Christians remember the need to make sacrifices in order to remember the sacrifice of Christ. If we can simplify our life a bit, perhaps our worry will decrease. So let's slow down, step away from some of our commitments and remember that not everything is as important as everything else. Make a sandwich instead of a big dinner and have a picnic on the living room floor. Leave work early and take the kids on a hike. Spend some time with your partner instead of making sure the house is picked up. Skip that community event and go get ice cream. Just say no to all of the extras that create stress and worry.

We get caught up in making sure that we do everything just right. That leads to worry and anxiety. If we can slow down and enjoy our moments then we have a chance to be more to those who matter! Lent is about getting back to the core of ourselves and our spirituality. We cannot do that when all we can think about are all of the to dos that we must accomplish. So let's give it up. Simplify. Get back to what is important. When we do that then we are able to give up worry for Lent and maybe longer.

Sweet Dreams

"So how you are sleeping?" This is a question that I never fail to ask my clients. Whether a young child or their retired grandparent, this question is key to my being able to better meet their needs.  Sleep might well be the cornerstone of good health- mental or otherwise. If we are not sleeping, then we are not doing well in most other areas. Often I have seen children in my office with attention issues, anger problems and behavior issues.  As the session proceeds, their sleep issues are the last thing their parents bring up. I know that if I am sleeping poorly it is going to be much more difficult for me to pay attention and manage my emotions. So it stands to reason that an 8 year old might have the same struggles.

What do you do if you or your child are not sleeping well?  Sometime the first thing we consider are pharmaceutical sleep aids. There are certainly enough of them out there. But before we take that route, let's consider some other options:

First of all eating well and getting enough exercise is key.  When we overload our bodies with sugar and caffeine we are naturally going to struggle to relax.  Relaxation is key to sleep. While we may be mentally and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, being physically tired is also helpful. Exercise will help us general be more tired. Getting some exercise through the day will also help reduce physical and emotional stress.  This goes for children too.  They need to eat well and play hard!

Having a bedtime routine is also helpful. Set a time to get into bed. Make it early enough that you ensure you are getting the amount of sleep you need.  Avoid electronics in your bedroom. Don't work on your laptop, watch TV or check Facebook and email on your phone in bed. Take a bath or shower before getting into bed. Write in a journal. Read a book (preferably one not so exciting that you can't put it down). This is for adults and children. Children should not be falling asleep with TVs on in their room or going to bed when they choose. They need a routine that is relaxing and consistent.

Learning some relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or guided imagery can help. Getting your body to slow down and find peace will help you to calm yourself and fall to sleep. You can even find guided imagery scripts online to read to your children or find recordings to play.

Finally, it may be necessary to discover if there is something that is keeping you from sleeping. Are you stressed, worried, grieving, angry or depressed?  These things all can have a negative impact on sleep for adults and children. Working through these difficult issues may result in better sleep. Finding someone to talk to about it or an outlet to allow you to deal with things better may help.

We cannot discount the importance of a good night's sleep.  So whatever it is that you need to do for yourself or your child to sleep better, you may want to give it a try. You will be surprised at how many things improve when you are well rested.

I Am Not a Marriage Counselor, But.....

No, I am not a marriage counselor.  It has never been a area that I have found myself drawn to. However, therapy for most people focuses on relationships of some kind. Whether it is family or friends or coworkers, counseling often focuses on how we interact with others. So although I do not generally see couples for therapy, I do have some thoughts on relationships. It being Valentine's Day, I thought maybe I would share those thoughts.

My experience of relationships and marriage are both by proxy and first hand. My parents are first and foremost the leading example of long term commitment and love that I have in my life. They got married at the mature age of 18. At the time of my mother's death this past October, they were just shy of their 41st wedding anniversary. In the eulogy I wrote for my mom's funeral I mentioned that she never said negative things about my dad.  That might be one of the most enduring lessons that my mom left to me. It is simply bad form to speak badly of your significant other, she would say.  I have thought about this piece of advice frequently. It does not mean that you avoid criticism or that you not mention to others those funny idiosyncrasies that your partner has.  It simply means that the tone of your comments should not be mean.  No one wants to hear you berate the person that you have chosen to spend your life with!

Another lesson that my parents always taught was that the foundation of a relationship is selflessness. My dad would tell the story of going to the courthouse to get married. The one part of the story that he always mentioned was the piece of advice that the judge gave them- never be selfish.  The judge told them that selfishness was the reason most marriages ended. That too is something that I try to keep in my mind with regard to relationships.

Finally in my own life partnership, I have found that having adventures in a relationship is an absolute necessity! Without adventure we get stuck in the muck and mire of our day to day lives.  Life is not about muck and mire. It is about living fully. While adventures may change as our life changes, keeping that desire to do new things and go to new places keeps a relationship fresh and fun.

 So my thoughts today as we celebrate love and hearts and cupid are on what it takes to keep relationships healthy. This is true for lifelong partners, first dates, friends and family members!

• Never say bad things about the other person.
• Be selfless.
• Have adventures.

Happy Valentine's Day!