Understanding Our Children a Little Better

One of the areas of focus in my practice is parenting and family systems. I am always trying to think of new ways to help parents work with their children effectively. Complaints that I often hear from parents and caregivers focus on the idea that their children are not respectful or responsible in the way that they, the parent, were when they were growing up.  Parents voice frustration that their children are not held to the same standards that they were as children and are not disciplined as harshly.  I have two distinct thoughts about this complaint.  One is that children are not responsible for the parenting thus parents must hold themselves responsible when they feel that their child needs to be disciplined better. Second we must understand that the world we are living in today is much different than the world was 50 years ago. You can still discipline effectively without disciplining the same way that your great grandfather did.

I don't believe that many people, clinicians included, have thought seriously about how our culture effects child rearing.  To me it explains much about the behaviors and attitudes that kids possess in our present experience.  Our children are being raised in a culture of equality.  The women's rights movement, civil rights movement, the Americans with Disabilities Act and LGBT rights movement have flooded our consciousness in the last 50 years. We do no live in a world where people are told "their place" and expected to stay there. There is no caste system. We value freedom. The language of liberty and equality is swirling and whirling around us daily.  We jump up in excitement when a regime is tumbled by the people. This is what our children are hearing and being conditioned to accept and appreciate. As a result of this, children have different expectations, awareness of their world and their place in it than they did in previous generations.  It is this culture that makes it difficult for children to accept long held parenting ideas that promote handing down harsh punishments without explanation or communication on the subject. When children feel their rights on being infringed upon, we see them rebel as we have taught them is appropriate when unfair laws are inflicted on the masses. However to many this is an example of how "kids these days have no respect for authority." .

I think the issue is that kids actually do understand respect more than we know. I have noticed this quote popping up on Facebook lately: "My parents spanked me as a child. I now suffer from a psychological condition known as 'Respect for Others.'"  It seems as though what people misunderstand for lack of respect is simply a desire by children to be respected. It is hard to teach a version of respect to a child that involves only spanking, not questioning authority and accepting consequences with no discussion when they do not see this model anywhere else in their world.  Often we are failing to recognize that we do not live in a hierarchical society. We do not stand for inequality or disrespect. Our children learn how to behave and interact in society by what they see and hear. Can we expect our children not to question others when we are constantly questioning? Can we expect our children to stand by and allow someone, adult or not, to talk down to them or to disrespect them when we would not stand for that ourselves?

Children need discipline and boundaries more than anything except unconditional love. It is a parent's job to teach that. However, we must understand that we are not raising our kids in a simple world. We have to teach our children not only how to follow rules and obey boundaries but to be respectful and polite people as well as when it is appropriate to stand up for oneself and others. We must respect our children enough to understand that they are going to question us. There are no hard and fast answers to the difficult questions of parenting. No one "parenting style"  fits all of the complex problems that parents and kids are faced with. What is clear to me though is that our parenting must change with the times.  We have to adapt for the sake of rearing respectful, responsible and caring children.

Is it truly the "Kids Revolution" as some have proposed? I don't know.  What I do know is that we cannot delude ourselves into thinking that what worked in childrearing 50 years ago is going to work today.  We do not live in that same world. Thank goodness! We live in a world where we want people to succeed. We live in a world where freedom for everyone is valued.  Showing respect to our children does not mean that we avoid discipline, it means we recognize that discipline may be different today than it used to be. Maybe we take more time to explain things to our kids. Maybe we give them an opportunity to explain themselves more often. There is rarely one right way to discipline your child. I am encouraging a recognition of how the world we live in and the values that we uphold effect the way that children understand their role in society. If a 10 year old understands that she is an individual with intrinsic civil rights, then we have the job of not only respecting those rights but also helping her understand her intrinsic responsibilities.  Changing the way we parent does not mean that we are less strict or that we let our children get away with things.  It means that we understand that our child is not less of person than we are. It means that we find ways to teach and discipline while showing respect.