Take a Deep Breath and Fix It

In the counseling office we use the term coping skills frequently.  We discuss with our clients and their families in great detail the use of coping skills. We teach folks many different types of coping skills.  We find apps and games and books on coping skills. It is endless, the different ways that we attempt to instill in clients the skills needed to deal with stress and worry and depression and anger and grief.  I find that outside of the counseling office we may not use the phrase coping skills but we are still doing the same thing.

We are constantly trying to identify ways to handle situations better. Magazines are full of ideas on how to deal with frustration and anxiety in more effective ways.  We are in a constant state of trying to find ways to deal with new and challenging issues. Much of what we do good or bad is simply a way to cope with what is happening in our life.  Thinking about it in this way had made me consider the idea of coping skills in a different light. Maybe we need to think more about what it is we are attempting to cope with rather than how to cope. A stressful day at the office leads to the question such as: Should I have a cocktail? Go for a walk? Head to the gym? Sit on the couch with some popcorn and a good movie? Clean the house? Fuss at my partner? Complain to someone?

Or do I consider what it was that made my day stressful? If we think about things differently, maybe we can find a solution to make tomorrow less stressful? Maybe the day started off difficult because we woke up late and therefore felt like we had to run from one meeting to another making everything stressful. So tomorrow we set the alarm 30  minutes early to make sure we are on time and prepared. Was the day stressful due to a difficult interaction with a coworker? Is there a way that we could mend that interaction or avoid that particular person. There are not always solutions to stressful situations. Sometimes we just have a bad day.  There are times, though, when there are solutions.  If a child comes home from a hard day and we find out that it is because she forgot to do her homework the night before, that is a situation with a solution. We make sure to get all of the homework done tonight and maybe get ahead on some studying for the week or start on a project that is not due for a while.  If I am angry about something that is going on in my life, maybe I can sit down and consider what I could do about the situation to change it so that it does not effect me in the same way.

Of course there are always going to be times when we do not have power to change a circumstance.  That is when we need our coping skills. Sometimes however we do not even realize that we could potentially change it. So instead of immediately thinking of ways to deal with our feelings, let's consider whether we could actually make the situation different so that we do not feel negatively about it. Coping skills are important. We need to know how to manage feelings like anger, stress, frustration, anxiety and grief in positive and effective ways. But we also need to know when finding a solution to the situation IS the way to deal with it.