Communicating is one of the most important things that we do on a daily basis. We are constantly conveying messages to others. Through speech, behavior, body language, tone of voice and inflection, we relay information. We interpret communication in different ways also. Often we infer meaning not only through words but actions, looks, our own awareness of the other person's history or intent, what we want them to say or what we think they are trying to say.

Most of the time we are able to convey our meaning to others effectively: Saying "I would like a #1 combo with fries," generally will result in receiving a #1 combo with fries. It would be unlikely for the cashier at the restaurant to interpret our statement as: "I would like a salad with fat free dressing and no cheese". At home, however, it may be more likely for that to happen. Although I may say that I would like burgers and fries for dinner, my spouse could perhaps understand that to be a suggestion. As a result. he makes potato soup and a salad. That would be a breakdown in communication. In some households, that could cause all kinds of stress and conflict. Depending on the day it might be funny or you just may be grateful that someone other than yourself actually started dinner.

Communicating is a tough business. In my practice I am often trying to help clients identify ways to communicate to others so that they are heard and that they are able to get their meaning across. We work on ways to avoid sounding rude or mean so that people will actually engage with us or do what we would like for them to do. It boils down to making sure that people understand what you are trying to communicate. What I have noticed is that the questions you ask other people about what you are trying to convey matter a great deal.

"What did you hear me say?" is a great way to verify what the other person understood you to mean. Asking the other person a second time to repeat what they said can help us to clarify meaning. Hearing something a second time can give us a an opportunity to more fully process the information. What I may say and what someone else hears are often times VERY different things. Especially in families, we need to be aware of this. Instead of immediately getting upset over something, it can be a good practice to check and see if what you were trying to say was actually communicated the way that you wanted it to be. By asking questions and continuing to engage with the person after we have communicated our thought, we may be able to avoid that pitfall of miscommunication. It will allow for conversation to continue regarding what was said and how you meant it as well as how the other person understood it.

Communicating by phone, text, email, and social media sites like Facebook or Twitter can cause even more roadblocks to communication. These forms of interaction throw all kinds of new issues into our already murky communication system. We may send or receive emails or texts where we or the other person is terse or short in their response. This can sometimes lead to people reading more into the text than is actually meant by the sender. If you send a text and the person does not immediately reply, they must not care. If someone posts something on Facebook and they don't tag us even though we were clearly at the party with everyone else, then they must be upset with us. We have to be careful about how we understand another's meaning using these indirect forms of communication. If someone sends a text or an email, the tone of voice, inflection and body language are absent. That is almost like inviting someone to the party but forgetting to tell them where it is and when. Technology can save us a great deal of time and help us communicate. However, that communication can get complicated. If you have a question about another person's meaning asking can be the most effective way to clear any doubt. "Your email sounded a little short earlier today. Were you in a hurry or was there something that upset you." If you feel that someone misunderstood your meaning you should also ask. "Did that that text answer your questions? I was in a hurry so it was short."

One of our biggest downfalls in any type of communication is jumping too quickly to conclusions. Simply taking a moment to ask the other person's meaning in any situation is a quick and simple solution to avoiding this. Also, reviewing our own conversations, emails or texts can help us understand how others are receiving our communication. We should avoid the question "Are you mad at me?" when unsure of how someone feels in a situation. Using a more diplomatic approach such as "When you said......what was it that you meant?" If someone asks if you are mad at them our usual response is "no" but that might not tell the whole story. Maybe they are frustrated or disappointed or upset about something completely apart from you. However you will not know unless you ask the right question and keep the lines of communication open.

In all of our communication, one thing we have to avoid is assuming or inferring what others mean. One way to avoid this is by asking the other person's meaning and by making sure that the other person understands what we are trying to say. It is important that we strive to be aware of how other's understand us. Communication is a tough business. With a little extra care we can work on making just a bit easier.